I worked for one week too many on Coral Trekker. For months before that last day every time we left harbour I would think that it wasn't long until Friday -- my afternoon off. The day would wear on and I'd think that it wasn't long until bedtime, that a sleep would make it all better -- tomorrow is another day, another day closer to freedom. As soon as I'd washed that last dish I would roll out my swag and try to usher passengers off to bed so that I could all the more quickly face the new day.
That last week wasn't like that, for all that I knew that when we pulled into the marina berth six days' hence it would be the last. A heavy pressure lay on my chest that morning. Even the thought that it was only six sleeps until the end did not work, although I rolled out my swag with the vague hope that in the morning the pressure would be gone.
It wasn't. The pressure was there to stay, worse in the morning than the night before. It lay on my chest so hard that I found it hard to breathe, needing to press a hand to my sternum so that the pressure equalised as I paid attention to each breath. In, out. In. I thought that if I didn't make an effort I would cease to breathe altogether.
The pressure came and went for the first few days, and as it lay there I found that although I laughed, I was not truly amused, although I talked and smiled I was more aware of how the pressure made it hard for me to feel anything but flat, dull, down. Being in the hospitality industry, however, means that you can't indulge in wanting to sleep all day.
One evening I mentioned it to Ben, mentioned that I could hardly breathe through it.
"Sounds to me liked you're depressed," he said, and -- it struck me that he was right, only it sounded wrong. Depressed is how other people get, not me, not me whom I thought had been somehow blessed with a miraculous neurochemistry which had be in permanent "up" -- only I hadn't been like that in weeks.
Since then it has come and gone. While in Tasmania I was right as rain, hardly a day of pressure at all; back to Queensland and a more familiar terrain and it comes back. I am in bed in the morning and the first thing I slowly awaken to is the feeling in my chest, and I start off with it, getting better as the evening comes by.
Somewhere I read that St Johns' Wort is supposed to be a good aid with those who are depressed, and although it may be entirely due to a placebo effect, I feel better, although not without a hint of it in my chest, as a reminder that it is not truly gone.
Doing things, distracting myself, also works.
Anything. A walk, a bicycle ride, painting, boatwork, talking to someone. Idle time is no longer a blessing.
When it started all those months ago I sat at the stern of Trekker and realised that if I thought that it would stay like that, if I had to wake every morning and face the same hardness of breath, the same flattened day ... why my aunt threw herself off the roof one day ... why my mother sliced her wrists and threw herself into the pool is now no longer strange. On bad days it is hard to think through the feeling and realise that it's not usually that bad, but I manage.
I try to hide the bad days, smiling and conversing even if I don't want to, try not to press against my chest to make breathing easier.
"Are you feeling okay?" Ben asks suspiciously on those days, for I am not nearly as good an actor as I could have hoped.
The day will probably come where I go to a doctor and become one of the pill-popping millions to get through. Being down is not fair on myself, not fair on those around me. And yet ... I hope that this is never needed, that it goes away, that I go back to my earlier blessedly happy and content state.
- a different kind of pressure
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owlrigh- May 20th, 2006
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*hugs* and *good thoughts* in your direction.
Take care of your fabulous self! (:
Take care of your fabulous self! (:
To my mind, what it sounds like is a longterm buildup of stress, which hit as soon as the stress cause showed signs of ending.
Concentrate on doing stuff for *you* for a while. Relax as hard as you can. Do enjoyable things. Try and pretend you feel upbeat - it sometimes works.
The other thing is ... the pills only fix the symptoms, not the cause. Discovering and acting on the cause is a far better solution in the longterm.
It may take a year, it may take longer or shorter. But eventually, it will go away. Have faith in yourself :)
Concentrate on doing stuff for *you* for a while. Relax as hard as you can. Do enjoyable things. Try and pretend you feel upbeat - it sometimes works.
The other thing is ... the pills only fix the symptoms, not the cause. Discovering and acting on the cause is a far better solution in the longterm.
It may take a year, it may take longer or shorter. But eventually, it will go away. Have faith in yourself :)
(Anonymous)
I'm doing all those things, doing the best I can to distract myself. It's not nearly as bad as it was in the beginning, which makes me hope it'll soon go all away. A change of scenery, maybe real north Qld, is what's needed, I reckon.
I sympathise a great deal. Like you, I thought I had that sort of blessedly up neurochemistry, and then had a bout of depression that hit me fairly hard a few years ago. I was in the situation where I completely understood the reasons why I was depressed, and knew it wasn't going to recurr but was unlikely to fix itself, so there was nothing to do but get over it.
It was pretty awful, and talking about the need for constant distraction was very familiar - I often found myself reading or watching television or working until I literally passed out from exhaustion, just to avoid having those few minutes to myself in bed to think about things.
If you can see clearly what it is that is making you depressed, and you can do something about it, then you have to. Thats trite obvious advice, but still true. Make steps to change, small steps if need be. And find someone to talk to about it.
I was in the situation where I knew what it was that had made me unhappy, and there was little I could do about it except hope, but mostly come to terms with it, and grieve. I'm still grieving just a little, but I've come to terms with it. But I get the feeling this isn't the case for you. If it is, well find someone you trust and start talking.
But if you don't know why you are down, and you can't clearly identify anything that is wrong or that would fix it, go to a doctor and talk about it, get the pills if they recommend it. Neurochemistry sometimes goes off the rails all by itself, and there is little point in just waiting for it to fix itself when you can do something about it.
This isn't to say you shouldn't strongly consider taking the pills anyway, even if you do understand what is making you unhappy. The pills will make other problems seem solvable, will give you a breathing space to tackle any underlying issues. Don't think of it as needing the pills, think of it as using what resources you have to resolve it quickly and minimise the damage. You might end up in the same place.
Depression is insidious. It makes taking steps to deal with it seem harder, it eats away at your relationships, it messes up your sleep, in short it damages all the resources you need to tackle it. Use what you have at your disposal now.
I made it through without pills. But I only did that because I was very sure about the cause of my depression, and that the road only went up from where I was, and I could feel myself climbing out of week by week. And even then I'm not sure it was the right thing to do. I took a long time, I needed a lot of help, from a lot of people (you helped, though you didn't know it at the time).
It was pretty awful, and talking about the need for constant distraction was very familiar - I often found myself reading or watching television or working until I literally passed out from exhaustion, just to avoid having those few minutes to myself in bed to think about things.
If you can see clearly what it is that is making you depressed, and you can do something about it, then you have to. Thats trite obvious advice, but still true. Make steps to change, small steps if need be. And find someone to talk to about it.
I was in the situation where I knew what it was that had made me unhappy, and there was little I could do about it except hope, but mostly come to terms with it, and grieve. I'm still grieving just a little, but I've come to terms with it. But I get the feeling this isn't the case for you. If it is, well find someone you trust and start talking.
But if you don't know why you are down, and you can't clearly identify anything that is wrong or that would fix it, go to a doctor and talk about it, get the pills if they recommend it. Neurochemistry sometimes goes off the rails all by itself, and there is little point in just waiting for it to fix itself when you can do something about it.
This isn't to say you shouldn't strongly consider taking the pills anyway, even if you do understand what is making you unhappy. The pills will make other problems seem solvable, will give you a breathing space to tackle any underlying issues. Don't think of it as needing the pills, think of it as using what resources you have to resolve it quickly and minimise the damage. You might end up in the same place.
Depression is insidious. It makes taking steps to deal with it seem harder, it eats away at your relationships, it messes up your sleep, in short it damages all the resources you need to tackle it. Use what you have at your disposal now.
I made it through without pills. But I only did that because I was very sure about the cause of my depression, and that the road only went up from where I was, and I could feel myself climbing out of week by week. And even then I'm not sure it was the right thing to do. I took a long time, I needed a lot of help, from a lot of people (you helped, though you didn't know it at the time).
I'm glad I managed to help you back when you were depressed, Dave, even if I didn't know it.
The thing is, I can't afford to go to a doctor and get pills. I've no money, and even when I get a job and have money again I'll have to use that for other, more pressing things, like dentistry (ow!) and stuff.
I'm going to give it another few months and see if it goes away. As I recall, when I was doing psych it was a minimum of three months and recurring spells to be diagnosed as depressed anyway; clinically so, and I'd rather ride it out and see if I can fix myself with pep talk first.
Thing is, also, I don't feel comfortable leaning on people; I don't like telling people I feel bad, most especially because it feels like whining! The fact I have a paper journal helps a lot, because I can scribble in there all the stuff I would tell to people if I was a bit more open. I hope my form of therapy works!
The thing is, I can't afford to go to a doctor and get pills. I've no money, and even when I get a job and have money again I'll have to use that for other, more pressing things, like dentistry (ow!) and stuff.
I'm going to give it another few months and see if it goes away. As I recall, when I was doing psych it was a minimum of three months and recurring spells to be diagnosed as depressed anyway; clinically so, and I'd rather ride it out and see if I can fix myself with pep talk first.
Thing is, also, I don't feel comfortable leaning on people; I don't like telling people I feel bad, most especially because it feels like whining! The fact I have a paper journal helps a lot, because I can scribble in there all the stuff I would tell to people if I was a bit more open. I hope my form of therapy works!
Pills aren't that much. Generally around a dollar a day (and if you don't have a job a health care card can make it much less). Not enough money to justify skimping on it - over the course of a month you get enough hours of your life back it probably pays for itself anyway. I'm not going to tell you to take pills if you really don't want to, but I am going to tell you finances is a bad reason not to! Thinking that spending money to feel a lot happier isn't worth it is exactly the sort of insidious thinking that depression leads you into.
Yeah, it sounds like you are a long way off being clinically diagnosed with ongoing depression, which is a very good thing. You don't need to think about it as a lifetime problem, you just need to climb out of the hole you're in. And I'm sure you can do it without medication, just medication will make it quicker and less difficult for you and those around you. But I don't doubt your ability to drag yourself out of it, and neither should you.
Its not an excuse not to see a doctor about it though!
I can see you are the sort of person that doesn't feel comfortable telling people you feel bad. You are a dificult person to get close to in many ways. But really, friends and people that care about you that can see you are down would rather talk to you about it than have to watch it and feel they can't do anything. You don't need to complain, just ask for straightforward advice or opinion about what to do or what reactions are reasonable.
But journal writing does help, getting thoughts out and down on paper. During 2003 and early 2004, that Machine Gun Fellation song Unsent Letter could have been written about me, I had a pile of unsent letters and a lot of journal writing and such as well. The most important conversations are the ones you have with yourself. I found it really helpful to me.
Yeah, it sounds like you are a long way off being clinically diagnosed with ongoing depression, which is a very good thing. You don't need to think about it as a lifetime problem, you just need to climb out of the hole you're in. And I'm sure you can do it without medication, just medication will make it quicker and less difficult for you and those around you. But I don't doubt your ability to drag yourself out of it, and neither should you.
Its not an excuse not to see a doctor about it though!
I can see you are the sort of person that doesn't feel comfortable telling people you feel bad. You are a dificult person to get close to in many ways. But really, friends and people that care about you that can see you are down would rather talk to you about it than have to watch it and feel they can't do anything. You don't need to complain, just ask for straightforward advice or opinion about what to do or what reactions are reasonable.
But journal writing does help, getting thoughts out and down on paper. During 2003 and early 2004, that Machine Gun Fellation song Unsent Letter could have been written about me, I had a pile of unsent letters and a lot of journal writing and such as well. The most important conversations are the ones you have with yourself. I found it really helpful to me.
Well we're thinking of you from this distant shore.
Look after yourself and do what you have to do.
Look after yourself and do what you have to do.
*hug* take care of yourself! i'd say see a doctor sooner rather than later, since depression is a great demotivator.
I'm going to give myself a few more months and see if I get completely better; nowadays it's not all the time, but a day or two out of the week. A whole lot better!
All I can recommend, from my own experience is to keep doing things. When you feel bad, distract, don't dwell on it, or even wonder too much, just go do something that occupies both mind and body. Don't give in and do nothing. Doesn't matter if it's dull shit, just keep on moving, it helps.
Usual stuff like exercise, good food, try to avoid alcohol/drugs - coffee even if you can. Keep the body happy, you know? Make sure your living environment is comfortable and clean and neat (I found that that matters a suprising amount, even for natural slobs).
Best of all do something creative and/or constructive, that you enjoy, as much as you can. Pay attention to every little thing, fully enjoy each moment.
Usual stuff like exercise, good food, try to avoid alcohol/drugs - coffee even if you can. Keep the body happy, you know? Make sure your living environment is comfortable and clean and neat (I found that that matters a suprising amount, even for natural slobs).
Best of all do something creative and/or constructive, that you enjoy, as much as you can. Pay attention to every little thing, fully enjoy each moment.
2006-05-20 04:08 am (UTC)